


Never Again

by Nebulad



Series: Awakening [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:10:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7514707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebulad/pseuds/Nebulad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ceremony was short and Miriam had to aggressively run through strategy exercises in her head to avoid crying— and even then, she wasn’t entirely certain that she succeeded. She was so <i>proud</i> of him, she missed him so badly it was like a punch in the chest. It wasn’t <i>fair</i>. Miriam had spent her whole life being short-tempered and rude, being cold and standoffish, and then Thane— the alien who needed to stay in Life Support so he could breathe, with black scleras and chitin lips— had reminded her that there were things in the universe besides work and death and almost-certain doom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Again

Miriam was eighteen when Aiza had been returned to her parents, and she’d thought that after that, she would never feel pain again. _Nothing could hurt worse than this,_ she’d told herself, crouching in a dark alley and alone for the first time that she could remember, knowing that Aiza was out there with her shitty parents that would make her hate herself again and that maybe this time she wouldn’t be able to leave before she forgot that it was _them_ and not _her_. _Nothing in the universe could ever make me feel like this again._

She didn’t wear mascara to Thane’s memorial because she knew better now. She wouldn’t be any help to Kolyat if she looked like the front for a metal band, and the boy would need all the help she could offer. It would be unseemly to dissolve into ugly tears every time someone even _breathed_ because she was so fucking ill prepared to lose someone again.

She’d been alone after Aiza had been dragged away by police, with a big fucking target on her back that marked her as vulnerable to the Reds. She had no partner besides Candy, who needed Miriam far more than Miri would ever need her. As far as the gang was concerned she was a weak link that could be cut at any time— blood was in the water. Not long after that, Miriam would stagger into the recruitment centre where Captain Anderson was visiting. She’d be an absolute mess, but desperate to get away from Earth and full of ugly shame that she hadn’t done so while Aiza could still come with her.

She wasn’t alone at Thane’s service, which was… something. The Normandy crew of both the SR-2 and the latest model were hovering around, their voices not rising above a murmur. The salarian councillor and a few other people she didn’t immediately recognize were present as well, but none of them made a move towards her besides Jack. The biotic greeted her with a short “Shep”, and then wouldn’t be moved from her side. Any attempt to get her to help with drinks or putting out food was met with a glower, until the offending person moved on to someone else.

The ceremony was short and Miriam had to aggressively run through strategy exercises in her head to avoid crying— and even then, she wasn’t entirely certain that she succeeded. She was so _proud_ of him, she _missed_ him so badly it was like a punch in the chest. It wasn’t _fair._ Miriam had spent her whole life being short-tempered and rude, being _cold_ and standoffish, and then Thane— the alien who needed to stay in Life Support so he could breathe, with black scleras and chitin lips— had reminded her that there were things in the universe besides work and death and almost-certain doom. There were sons and families and lovers and friends… there was everything that Aiza’s arrest had made her forget.

Kolyat approached her spot on the couch hesitantly, eyeing Jack. The biotic didn’t move to stop him and Miriam was grateful. She hadn’t spent much time around Thane’s son— enough to know that he didn’t hate her, but it wasn’t his goal to make her life easy either. It was the sort of person Kolyat was, the sort who spoke before he thought and felt everything too much and too quickly to really register. The drell memory thing probably didn’t help, but Miriam could never really conceptualize perfect memory in her head. She was just fine with missing out on that evolutionary quirk.

“Shepard,” he greeted, and he sounded like Thane. He _looked_ like Thane.

She nodded in lieu of actually responding, and he understood.

“I wanted to speak with you before I moved on to the councillor,” he offered, sitting down beside her. He was much taller than Thane had been though, and there was something about him that was distinctly different from his father. It had to be his colour, or his facial structure— she couldn’t put her finger on _what,_ but attributed it to Irikah.

“The councillor?” she asked, surprised at how even her voice was. Granted it was also fairly flat— dead in her goddamn throat— but she didn’t particularly care about that so much as she did about not crying.

“There are wards that need funding, and councillors indebted to my father’s memory,” he explained, waving his hand. She was impressed— he was already so flippant about leaning on powerful people for charity. That would save him a lot of heartache farther down the line. “But that isn’t what I wanted to say.”

Miriam made the effort to straighten up and try to face him like she would any of her crew with something they wanted to tell her. It was more difficult than it usually was. “Go ahead,” she offered, with her dead voice.

“I was going through the possessions I was left, and found messages he’d sent to you during your incarceration. I don’t believe you were able to receive them, so I thought perhaps you would want them now.” He handed her a bundle of vids, four in total, and she stared down at them.

For a moment, all she could feel was _rage._ It was the ugly, biotic sort of rage she hadn’t felt since she was a teenager with only the barest grasp on how to control her power— the sort that left streets levelled because a biotic didn’t snap without taking someone out with her. _They knew,_ she thought deliriously. _The Alliance kept this from me._ She’d had such precious little time with Thane and so much of it had been wasted as a prisoner in her own home. She’d been _afraid—_ she’d thought that he’d forgotten her, that he’d disappeared forever. He’d been sending her messages the whole time, and Anderson had _kept it_ from her.

Hurt battled with anger and she took a deep breath that Jack evidently recognized. She shifted her position and slumped her back against Miriam’s arm, and it jolted her out of the moment. “Thank-you,” she offered breathlessly, letting them rest on her lap. If she kept her hands on them she would break them and be left with nothing like she’d been on Earth. Kolyat nodded and rose, and for lack of anything better to say, nodded again and left. Guests were trickling out steadily and Miriam took another deep breath. Soon she’d be alone again.

“I’m crashing here tonight,” Jack offered without looking up from the magazine she’d grabbed.

 _Never alone,_ she thought to herself in a voice that sounded damningly like Aiza and Thane at the same time. _Never alone again._

**Author's Note:**

> Found it in my drafts, [my writing blog is here](http://nebulaad.tumblr.com), and Pokemon GO is out in Canada finally but I can't get on the friggen servers I am suffering.


End file.
